Aren't Talents Fun? (from my tumblr)

Ha Ha Ha. That's not rhetoric. Because I'm curious: is it fun to be talented? I wouldn't know. It's not fun not knowing where my life is going and this whole depression thing is really bringing me down!

That's the point..?

That doesn't make it any easier! I mean seriously! My social anxiety pushed the big red button at orientation that dropped an atomic bomb upon my perspective social life of the first semester and possibly my freshman year at good ol' Sacred Fucking Heart Academy.

Translation? No Social Life.

Everytime I left the school literally as soon as I walk down the stairwell leading to the exit my skull cracks itself open and my veins pulse out. *boom* "Oh, there goes creepy quiet freshman's prefrontal cortex!" Says the Junior holding the balloons.

Alright. So, I can't say I'm absolutely friendless. A girl I sit with at lunch, Lexie, is really nice. We have a lot of interesting things in common. Like, for example, she makes videos with the Sims 2. Like AMVs, but Sims, and a story line.

But I digress.

I'm really indifferent about this whole High School situation. Not nervous, not excited, not happy or sad, High School is Elementary just more tedious. It's hard to find time to slack off, what with one study hall per cycle (six days)

That's a pretty damn good thing, considering mom wants to leave Bastard.

Ha. Yes. "Four more years" she'll say, under her breath. When he is rude, when he is mopey, lazy, when he's been drinking.

Mom, you don't need to wait until I go to college. I'm fine. We can leave now.

We compromised. One year. Send Will off to school. Maybe go back to New Jersey. Chicago, maybe. Sarasota, maybe probably not. Only an hour from Tampa ;). By then Will will be eighteen. He'll be a legal resident of New York, so he can go to a state school. We can live closer to our family in NJ, or live in the city. So maybe SHA won't have to be my future.

The fantasies in my head about us living a better way than this, not having to be a servant to King Matt, wondering, worrying, "Has he been drinking?"

My brother literally idolizes the son-of-a-bitch and all Matt can do is sit on the couch and watch TV.

"He shopped for and found your computer"

"He's downloading some music for mom"

Those are the excuses my brother uses.

Always always always giving Matt the benefit of the doubt.

If Matt gets drunk and goes crazy:

"Well you probably pissed him off!"

God, that's only one of willie's many many many excuses for Matt. And I understand why Will does it; Hes so desperate for a perfect Father Figure and tries his best to paint Matt like a god. You can't shatter that. It's bullet-proof, nothing can penetrate Willie's illusion, not even the Bullet Juicer. 0_o

Alright, I feel like I've aired enough dirty laundry about my life and familial dysfunction, what about you? No one's family is perfect.

Your talentless loner freshman,

Cella

Read Away

http://ialwaysstainmysocks.tumblr.com/

Tumblr from July 28, 4 PM - Answers to Some Questions

I drink because...

-I can get myself
to this place in
which I feel a
perverse sense of
happiness and a
sort of control.

-I like the way it
feels.It's like a
thinspo; If I'm on
an empty stomach
I can feel the alcohol
swirl and burn my
insides.

-I feel clean inside.

-It helps me to not
think of
anyone/thing.

I won't eat in front of you because...

-I feel (am) fat.

-I hate having this solid lump in my
body, like a caloric tumor.

-When I eat in front of people and
think of what I'm eating, I quickly
become nauseous.

-No one wants to see a fatty talk
with their mouth full.

My Tumblr Entry from July 14, six A.M

What has happened recently?
I found out
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That strange smell in my parents’ bedroom was pot

I say some nasty, kinky things about camp counselors while I’m drunk.

Bobby won’t grow up to be a rapist, as he has already tried to rape some girl at a party.

Life sucks.

An iPod playlist won’t fix everything.

No matter how hard I try, I will never comfortably fit into size 8 shoes.

Maddie will always be stupid and superficial when it comes to guys.

Guys are stupid and superficial.

Hearing about everyone’s relationship drama pisses me off occasioinally.

I hate to admit it, but I’m probably jealous.

Paddle brushes will always mess up your hair, no matter how hard you try.

“When [insert name here] does this I feel [insert feeling].”
“When [insert event here] happens I feel [insert feeling].”

I don’t want to “feel” anything that much anymore.